Harry Potter Fans / RA / DA / = My FanFiction!?

...constructive criticism...no rewrites...suggestions and examples only... 1. I like this fanfic very much. I like you know to call it a "oneshot."

You're already more of a writer than you perhaps realize. 2. You're having some trouble with prepositions.

I have occasional trouble with them too. That's the reason I've read and studied them. 3.

The prepositions are often out of place. The odd placement and some unneeded prepositions are what keeps your story from being really good. 4.

The most frequent errors with preps (besides over-use) is the type you choose... "at" and "to" and "in" and "out" and "upon" and more. These are awkward and need a review. 5.

The use of the word "emerald" to describe green eyes has become very cliche. I really hope you can think of another word to describe extremely green eyes please. 6.

You leave description of Lily a couple of sentences away from the beginning. That's better than putting the description right away. If you could leave all of it until you describe her as Severus sees her, it would be even better.

7. Do you want to describe Severus a little more? His expressions and actions are a great way to describe any person, any character.

However, if you describe Lily's appearance as much as you do, why not Severus as well? 8. If you can avoid semi-colons and perhaps read this piece out loud to see where and how long you pause, you'll find it better to make shorter sentences in some places and leave long ones in others.

(i only watched one movie and never read the books becuz they are "ungodly" if you know what I meam. So I don't know his parents names.) but its awesome, and written pretty well.

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.