My daughter in law lies to my son about me and makes my visits from europe to USA miserable - please help?

My daughter in law lies to my son about me and makes my visits from europe to USA miserable - please help Asked by helpmamang 5 months ago Similar questions: daughter law lies son makes visits europe USA miserable help Family.

Similar questions: daughter law lies son makes visits europe USA miserable help.

It's hard to offer any advice with the info provided so far.

The day my son married in jan 2008 my daughter in law changed xompletely and blatantly lied for example she prevented me from joining my son ski-ing by saying she did not have the keys to the 4X4 where my skies were - eventually my son cam to get me and demanded the key to the car from his wife who had it all the time - she also tells my son that I get up late and do nothing to support her plus other lies which so infuriated my son that he exploded in front of his wife accusing me of these things - my reply was that if his son (17months) could talk he would say that I played with him every morning and helped my daughter in law so she could rest etc - she also made such a fuss that the game of tennis my son and I had arranged the morning before I left had to be cancelled - she is destructive and mean and treats my daughter the same way - it seems she is trying to cut us off from my son with whom I have been very close to always - this is just heart-breaking and to avoid hurting my son and wanting to stay close to him I have not been confrontational - I know also that she deletes emails I have sent my son - she is so mean that I am in shock most of the time as I have had nothing but respect for my in-laws and cannot understand her brutal behaviour - I did learn recently that the first year of their marriage they were in therapy - this was a shock to me but I am not surprised as I now realize what a bully she is - I hope you can help me as one thing for sure is that I do not want to loose my son who I love more than anyone in the worldwith thanks and much appreciation for your help helpmamang 5 months ago .

This sounds like a pretty complicated situation that needs more than advice from a stranger. And we are only hearing one side of the story here. I would guess that your son knows how she is, as she probably does the same type of behavior to URL1 may take him awhile to realize what she is doing to him emotionally and that he needs to do something.

S obligation right now is to his wife and child, so he is caught in a bind here, it sounds like. Do you have to stay with them when you visit? Perhaps staying at a hotel would make it more tolerable.

Is your visit supposed to be time to spend with your family, or to work for them? .

Thanks so much - you have understood my terrible situation - I don't work for them - but have possibility of staying with the business partner of my son who has a cottage nearby and says I am more than welcome to sue it so this is one solution - my son seems so happy in his office and when we are out but very uptight when at home - they are expexting another baby and he absolutley adores his little son (normal) - obviously they have problems as they were fighting a lotwhen I was there but my son will never admit to me - I am really heart-broken as deep down I know he is not really happy except in his work and he is too proud to admit his mistake - am convinced his wife and her bully parents (all South African) bullied my son into this marriage as I know he wasnted to finish the relationship a few times before the marriage - you are really kind to help me as I live in a country where english is not the language and its hard to find help as most peiople just say "oh its normal - she's jealout and you just have to put up with it" However I refuse to allow her to destroy my relationship with my wonderful son who is extremely busy building his own company - if you have any advice at all as to how I should continue I would be very grateful - many many thanks helpmamang 5 months ago .

Your English is just fine! You've described your situation very well. My advice would be to refuse to fight with her, or him.

Yelling and screaming will only make it worse. If they lie, or disrespect you, walk away. Explain calmly that you will not tolerate being disrespected and/or lied to or lied about.

You are a mother, and a grandmother, and not their house keeper or babysitter. If necessary, deal with your son separately from her. Call him, or set up a Skype account to talk to him, if your emails to him are intercepted.

Don't pit them against each other, though, or you against her. Ask about her, and show concern. Don't put up a wall that can never be torn down.

I know it hurts, and I know it will be difficult. But you can't control how they act, only how you react to them. Know that it's not really about YOU, but about something in her personality or emotional make up that is behind this.

Hopefully with time things will improve. Hopefully your son will see the situation for what it really is.

Many many thanks for this great advice - as I only see my son now about twice a year its terribly difficult not to be able to talk things over in a normal way over a breakfast or during a walk - the situation is never resolved and each time I go there a new situation arises and I leave feeling absolutely devestated - I just can't do that anymore and that's what she wants - she wants to cut me and my daughter out of my son's life! She is now pregnant again so of course my son is moreand more committed to her and obviously will never admit to me that he has made a mistake - I try to forget it all and be zen but it doesn't work very well and I am incredibly sad about it all - your help has been really great and I will try to follow your advice when I see them again sometime in september - many many thanks helpmamang 5 months ago .

This is something that your son should be dealing with. He should stand up for you. This is his wife, yes, but for him to stand by and allow his wife to treat you so badly is not right.

Thank you - that's what I thought but she is a bully and has stipulated that Wife is number 1, then the children, then her parents, then the in-laws, the her sibling brother then my son's sister - this is why he stands up for her because there is some whckey therapist apparently who is trying to 'help' them - I only discovered through someone else, not my son, that he and his wife are having on-going therapy - I am so so sad as I feel my son has changed into this other human being who I do not recognize - he's also lost his sense of humour - thanks for this as I think I should eventually say something to defend myself and tell him he was not brought up to behave like this and how hurt I am - many many thanks again helpmamang 5 months ago .

Well, she might bully him, but you sound strong enough to stand up to her - and I have found that is the best way to deal with a bully. Good luck! .

My daughter stood up to her and has been cut off from her brother - his wife said she does not want anything more to do with my son's family - you are right I should stand up to them - he is ultra busy now preparing his company to go on NYSE - also his wife is pregnant again! - she has her family from South Africa staying for at least 3 months of the year and 'allows' my son's family to stay for much less - frankly I think my son has thrown in the towel and puts his energy into his work which he loves - we used to be so close and discuss everything - now he hardly talks to me - I have a busy life thank goodness so don't mope around but we only have one life and I cannot see my son's life being destroyed - you have been very clear and helpful and have given me some courage to stand up for myselfand I thank you very very much helpmamang 5 months ago .

So the next time you visit (if there is a next time), you lay out the facts and the daughter-in-law's statements and merely present to your son the choice of believing mom or wife since obviously one of them is lying. Daughter-in-law will be interrupting you while you try to do this. My experience has been that the way to deal with this is to let the interruption go, then start over FROM THE BEGINNING using the exact same words.

Another interruption, another pause, another re-start with the exact same words. You'll only need a few of these for the son to figure it out and tell wife to STFU and let mom speak. Then speak, never raising your voice (the shouter loses.) Once the facts are presented, you can stay or leave, but you're done.

You cannot do more than give the facts--people will believe what makes them happy, not what makes them right. Only a very few people are concerned enough about the truth to listen to it and then make changes .

Thank you so much - your advice is a great help - sounds like you really know how to handle this situation well - it will be a while til I am over again - perhaps in September - so I will try to follow your advice and keep you posted - many many thanks helpmamang 5 months ago .

To add to the other advice; your son should set up his own e-mail account that his wife does not have access to; so you can communicate with him reliably.

Thanks so much for your advice helpmamang 5 months ago .

If ever there were fights (or misunderstandings)in this world between human mothers and daughter-in-laws, the main cause had been the unbound love of mothers towards their sons. Please do not be so possessive. Your loving son is a matured man now and he should be able to manage his family all alone.

You wanted him to be a big man. You wanted him to get married and have kids. Now you have got all those things fulfilled and it is best to leave them alone.

Some mothers live with their daughter-in-laws very peacefully. Yes, some people have all the luck. May be you do not have that luck.(Can you wait a long period without visiting them?

At least till your daughter-in-law's birthday? Visit them on that occasion, give her a valuable birthday present and leave soon. It might work.)On the other hand you have two options.

1. One is to go on searching for mistakes of this lady. You will find enough and more.

2. You can think that she too is human and is likely to make mistakes. You will get some relief.

Please choose the second option.

Thanks for your reply - I think you misunderstood my question - I am the least possessive mother around and support everything my son and his wife do - the main problem is his wife's constant lying in order to alienate me from my son - this is seriously immoral and tantamount to slander - she also has alienated my daughter - I never criticize and as I live in europe as I already said I cannot just turn up for birthdays - also none of the family can turn up as she tells us WHEN and for how long we can come and stay - her parents stay for a month at a time and for 3 months a year altogether - they are South African which may give you some idea of how tough they can be - I do NOT have to search for mistakes BTW - I hear the lies she has told my son! No-one is perfect and I make lots of mistakes but I do NOT ACCEPT LIES and never have and never will helpmamang 4 months ago .

I perfectly understood your agony. I read all your writings with regards to this problem and the whole situation is explained there in perfect English and no one can misunderstand that. I can fathom the gravity of the problem.

All I wanted was not to write anything about her. She seems not to be changing her behavior and what is the use of talking about her? You please take care of your health.

Calm down, I know it is very difficult, but struggle to calm down by engaging with some other activity. Please remember, you are not the first mother who faced this type of problem. All readers of askville will be joining me to send their thoughts to you so that you will be relieved.

Your subconscious mind will provide you with a solution.

Thanks again - luckily I have many things to do - I am a painter and a film-maker and I have my daughter and her two children living in another european country so I get to see them regularly - all these things help and your advice does too - but stopping the lying before its too late has to be dealt with - many thanks again helpmamang 4 months ago .

I am convinced that you have a strong personality. May you have a beautiful time with your painting, film making, parenting and grand parenting. It's worth reading a beautiful quotation even the great leader Abraham Lincoln used in one of his speeches before he became the president."This too will pass.

"With due credit to wikipedia. Org I will cut and paste the history."The phrase appears in the works of Persian Sufi poets, such as Sanai and Attar of Nishapur. Attar records the fable of a powerful king who asks assembled wise men to create a ring that will make him happy when he is sad, and vice versa.

After deliberation the sages hand him a simple ring with the words "This too will pass" etched on it, which has the desired effect." .

If you didn't say anything he may tell you the marriage is not working. A 2nd baby may make it worse. Let the marriage crumble...then it maybe over...nothing to do.

Thanks so much - however am not quite sure I understand - I have not discussed anything with my son and am desperately hoping he will talk to me about what is really going on - he is very proud and will not wish to admit he has made a mistake - I see that if his wife continues this way it will only get worse and although he 'retends to be happy I know he is not - I feel he has to be tougher and not accept her terrible behaviour - thanks for your thoughts - I really appreciate your help helpmamang 5 months ago .

My daughter in-law does like our family and doesn't want to spend time with us. So our son doesn't either." "what is wrong with my daughter-in-law and how can I help? " "How is your day going?

My son and daughter in law just had their baby!" "My daughter and son-in law are traveling to the U.S. For T'day and I may not join them. Can you help me out, here? " "Why does my daughter-in-law keep my son away from me?" "What is the matter with my daughter-in-law and how can I help her?

" "What about a daughter-in-law who finds reasons not to let a mother-in-law have grandson for overnight visits? " "What makes a good daughter-in-law?

Help I need to find a gift to send to Australia for my daughter and son-in law for xmas.

My daughter in-law does like our family and doesn't want to spend time with us. So our son doesn't either.

My son and daughter in law just had their baby!

My daughter and son-in law are traveling to the U.S. For T'day and I may not join them. Can you help me out, here?

Well, she might bully him, but you sound strong enough to stand up to her - and I have found that is the best way to deal with a bully. Good luck! TurboB 51 months ago.

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.