What do I do? Recently divorced family member moved in close by. The boyfriend moved in with her and his children visit?

Recently divorced family member moved in close by. The boyfriend moved in with her and his children visit every other weekend. Now she is living with him.

So far every family event she has brought him and his children along. This hasn't sat well with a few other family members. The holidays are now coming and being that my mom doesn't feel well I will be taking on all of the holidays.

How do I invite her with her children and not the boyfriend with his kids? Asked by ArabianKnightress 14 months ago Similar questions: Recently divorced family member moved close boyfriend children visit Politics & Law > Law.

Similar questions: Recently divorced family member moved close boyfriend children visit.

You say that what they are doing is against the way you were brought up, and I sense that you feel you are condoning her choices by accepting her bf and his kids into your home. But you're not. It's not your place to condone or not condone her choices.

And it isn't showing disrespect for other family members to include them. If anything, THEY are showing disrespect for YOU, by putting you in the middle of their feud. Okay, maybe feud is too strong a word.

Shunning? Either way, you know in your heart that the right thing to do is to open your home to family, and that includes those they live with and love. If anyone lets you know that they disapprove, you can say, "I understand your feelings, but we're setting aside our judgments and disapproval for the holidays, and practicing acceptance and tolerance.

I know that isn't easy, but I have faith in our family to be loving, especially where children are involved, okay? " It might be difficult, but you can be a role model for others with your attitude - even your husband.

Thank you Goldie, Its been so hard for me lately. Phone call after phone call to try and make people understand. The tension has been so high that the family doesn't want to have anymore holidays just to avoid any more issues.

I'm trying to keep tradition up for my kids but it gets more and more difficult every year. You have no idea the pressure I am under. I am the only sibling left that hasn't divorced and I am reminded of that everyday.

I think this is what has made my life very difficult too. In their eyes I am happily married, nice home, good kids and I get to stay home and raise them. I talk to one person for hrs at a time, fix and make them understand.

Not two minutes goes by and the phone rings again with the next person. I'm tired and don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm sure you know what its like to keep up family traditions and get togethers and always have a smile on your face while doing so, when deep down inside all you want to do is scream!

ArabianKnightress 14 months ago .

Well, I can relate. I play the same role in my family, with both my family and hubby's. It is difficult to be the "glue" that is expected to bring everyone together, but it's also sort of an honor, I think.

Stay strong to your own values, and hope for the best. Then have a glass of wine ten minutes before the family arrives, lol. If they act up, have another!

I keep my own bottle in the spice cabinet while cooking shhhh its my secret! LOL :) Yes it is an honor but a tough job.. ArabianKnightress 14 months ago .

The issue is sensitive and needs to be done quietly and without a confrontation: Speak to the family member privately and explain the reasons you believe the new BF should cool it. Family members do strange things, but unless she is doing what she is doing to 'show' that she can do them, she probably would understand. Good luck.

Thank you dgjones, I'm going to have to try and speak to her.. ArabianKnightress 14 months ago .

I'm not sure you can with out upseting her,You might try casually talking to her and try to explain that the family isn't to hot about her boy friend but thats about all you can do,Tough spot your in good luck hope it works out for everyone. BTW HI AK,how have you been haven't seen you for a few days.

PS. Is the boyfriend an idiot,or do the family members just like the ex better.

Right now I have a ton of issues on my plate :( Hope all is well with you! See, the problem is that she didn't even let her bed sheets cool off and BOOM boyfriend moved in. I really think he should be the one to realize that its just a bit too soon to stuff this down the family's throat the way he is going about it.

I'm thinking he should let the family get used to his presence before bringing his kids into the mix, no? I come from a very old fashioned family and this family member should realize that what she is doing is wrong, it doesn't fly with this family. Instead of not caring she should slow things down a bit.

Lord knows what she saw in him, we are all still trying to figure that out. Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know no matter what feelings are going to get hurt, but she should know better.

For God sakes why create more problems when you already have a ton, that I will never know. I really think she should of taken a break and concentrated more on her kids than herself. Does that sound terrible of me?

ArabianKnightress 14 months ago .

You probably cannot dis-invite her boyfriend and kids without upsetting her. She's going to be upset. As to how soon she moved her boyfriend in---you have different options--but she's an adult.As to how soon she moved her boyfriend in--that's a judgment on your part, and I'm saying this kindly none of your business.

You would do it differently, with boyfriend and kids. But what i--IS and she's done it this way. Most times other people WILL do things differently than you--it's no shirt of your back.

You come from a very old-fashioned family--that's you. Where she came from and where she is going is her. Differences can be fun once you learn not to have any expectation about where another person should be in their ongoing life.

You say, you don't know what she saw in him. You don't have to. But if you want to make them Romeo and Juliette---start dissing him, and banning him, that will make them tighter than superglue.

'She should know better. ' Again that's another judgment. We learn, when we learn.

If you have never EVER done anything wrong then it's okay to judge her. But if you are like me, you've had you own times. Maybe yours wasn't in the man or boyfriend area, but we all fall short sometimes.

"I really think she should of taken a break and concentrated more on her kids than herself. Does that sound terrible of me?" No it doesn't sound terrible.

It sounds judgmental. What if you took an entirely different approach? What if you looked at her as a work in progress.

What if you loved and accepted her even if she was wrong? What if you looked at his children as just kids--and welcomed them with open arms. What if the holidays was about friends and strangers sitting around a table together--sharing!

Like the original Thanksgiving was. You can't change her, you can't change him. The ONLY person whose attitude you can change if your own.

. . And that may be the key to other family members too!

I'm wishing you the best holiday ever! .

SeekerSeeking, I wish it was that simple.. I do love her with all my heart, I have welcomed him and his children with open arms. I never turn anyone away who needs help. I'm trying to find a happy medium here, make everyone happy.

And when there are kids that are suffering and been pulled apart living in separate homes, its breaks my heart and yes I have cried over it. Her children have issues that she needs to take care of. I believe once you become a mother your children, no matter what, come first.

We bring them into this world we should take the up most care of them. I don't judge anyone. I do what I do out of respect for my elders and the head of the families.

Happy holidays to you too! ArabianKnightress 14 months ago .

Listen I do so understand your heartbreak. I do. And I'm glad you have welcomed him and kids.... as for trying to "find a happy medium here, make everyone happy"... usually when you try to make everyone happy, you make no one happy.

Just have your TG. Invite them. Let everyone know who is coming.

If some don't want to come--that is their choice. I understand your tears about the kids. But what's done is done.

This is their journey in life. Theirs. I was a kid in need back in the day.My father was an alcoholic and my mother a heroin addict.

The folks that touched me the most, weren't the ones who cried for me. But the ones who when they had the opportunity--just welcomed me--and sometimes my dysfunctional family. But seeing these folks, it gave me another option--another way to be.

I so admired the folks who could love us anyway...as messed up as we were. It was my journey. You can invite them and still respect your elders.

In your home you set the tone. If the elders you respect chose not to come cause that guys there--tell them your really wish they'd reconsider and you'll miss them. Again, I'm not dissing you.

I'm just addressing 'what is'.

If not, why concern yourself unless, of course, you have been appointed the controller of what other people do with their time.

No skep, but what she is doing goes against the way we were brought up. How can I have everyone in the same room and feeling uncomfortable? The parents aren't happy, the kids are miserable and confused and they aren't going to be married ever.

He has an attitude, "If you don't like it too bad" In a strange way I am the head of the family. Everyone comes to me for help and advice. I am always pulling the family together.

I don't like it very much, I get mentally exhausted trying to figure things out and trying to keep the peace. ArabianKnightress 14 months ago .

..plus I also need to respect my husbands wishes. What now? ArabianKnightress 14 months ago .

I think that's simple. Don't invite any of them. Then, when she notices and asks about it, you can say, "I'm glad you asked.

Sit down. " And you proceed to lay out the brutal truth of the unattached, unrelated-by-marriage male, his undisciplined and unrelated children, and her insistence that everyone deny reality and join her in her delusion that he's part of the family. Nuh uh.Seriously.

Put it like that. She has a happy happy, joy joy little delusion going that he can be part of the family because she says so. The rest of the family is whom she needs to listen to: "Not until you're married."

If needed, explain that since she is not married, everyone but she knows that she'll break up with him, he'll go away, and then they'll have to ask, "What happened to ______? " and make her mad. Then there's the undisciplined children.

Some people really do need to be hit over the head with how wrong they are, and you'll need to leave her uninvited until she sees this as your (her) family sees it.

Good answers. Is more libertarian in his opinions. "this family member should realize that what she is doing is wrong" Yes and she obviously does not.My advice is designed to bring her to that realization, or at least (as would deny there is a "wrong" at all) to the point of realizing OTHERS say this is wrong.

She does sound like one who agrees with more than with you.

Thank you for your answer danielpauldavis,,,but it didn't go well at all. I've decided to call off the holidays this year. Might even book a flight out of here.. ArabianKnightress 14 months ago .

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