What's the funniest thing you've heard or seen in a long time?

John "smugly" M. What's the funniest joke you've ever heard? This Yelper's account has been closed.

This Yelper's account has been closed. This Yelper's account has been closed. Guwapo Gangsta Q.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. This Yelper's account has been closed. Guwapo Gangsta Q.

Christine, you're funny when I'm sober too. However, I'm never sober. Leif Henson "49ers For Life" M.

What's red, white and blue and goes around and around? A smurf in a blender. Guwapo Gangsta Q.

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. " what about the payment?" yells the bartender.

"I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now."

The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. " what about the payment?" yells the bartender.

"I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. John "smugly" M.

THE TRUCK STOP:This guy goes into truck stop diner, and a homely waitress approaches him with her thumb in her mouth."thur, can I thake your order," she mumbles."Yes, I'll have the soup of the day, the blue plate special, and hot apple pie for dessert," says the guy. When the waitress returns with the soup, he notices her thumb is dipped into it. He's annoyed, but doesn't want to make a big deal out of it, after all what can you expect from a truck stop.

When the waitress returns to the table, this time her thumb is jammed deeply into his mash potatoes. He is getting angrier, but still decides not to say anything. Next the waitress come back with dessert.

He notices that her thumb is deeply embedded into the filling of his hot apple pie. His temper had reached the boiling point, and he could no longer contain himself. Jen "('',)" N.

Greg "King of the Crackheads" A. :i like your joke about the chair! I remember reading it in a magazine and laughing....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Q: What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

This Yelper's account has been closed. Chris "Buddington" L. Lots of funny jokes out there, most of them tend to be the story-length kind.

A lot of the short MJ jokes are great though. Q: Why did Michael Jackson hurry over to Target? A: Because he heard all boy shorts were half off.

--------Q: What time do they go to bed at the Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand. ----------Q: Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz-II-Men?

A: He thought it was a delivery service. Tricia "SQRPEG" M. Seriously?....the one that will forever kill me is:so....a horse walks into a bar & the bartender asks, "why the long face?"....i mean....COME ON!

Lauren "SUPERGIRL*Call me SUPERGIRL. Nominate me for Elite*" A. I love jokes, especially the genuinely funny ones.

Lauren "SUPERGIRL*Call me SUPERGIRL. Nominate me for Elite*" A. Why is it so cold at the Angel's Stadium?

Because there's lots of FANS! Here are some seriously funny jokes! My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."

So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. A guy shows up late for work.

The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop!

Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. He said yes. I said, "Me too!

Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant? "Protestant." "Me too!

Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too!

I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. I failed my driver's test. I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio.LOL...So funny!

John "Da Bull" G. What's Michael Jackson's favorite Asian soup? -cream of some young guyWhat's a perfect 10 according to Michael Jackson?

Robin "Slippery When Wet" Z. Three women get together over coffee to discuss their drunken adventure the night before.1st lady says "I got so drunk, I cracked up the car!"The 2nd lady says "Well, I got home, lit up some candles and burned half the house down!"3rd lady says "That's nothing. I went home home and blew chunks".

The other two look at her with confusion. YuckFelp "Flips off Babies (bowchikabowchikabow-wow style)" G. Why was Michael Jackson late for court?

He was getting a little behind. A friend told me this joke in the 3rd grade and I remember laughing so hard that we got in trouble for disrupting class and I still smile when I think of it: A woman was going to have a baby, but didn't want it. So she went to the doctor and he told her to drink a lot of water and that would drown it.

So she did. When it was time to give birth, the nurses said. "Aww, so sad.

This baby is dead. It looks like he drowned." Then, out pops a baby with a microphone and top hat singing...." You killed my brother, but you didn't kill me!'cause I was hiding in your left titty!

O "panem et circenses" G. A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his headThe psychiatrist asks: How can I help you? The duck says: How can I get this guy off my ass?

This Yelper's account has been closed. John "smugly" M. Cidne - You're scaring me?!

John "smugly" M. ENDING IT ALL:An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

This Yelper's account has been closed. Don't be skirrred, John! Joe "crazyjoe" N.

Lil"I walked in on my friend while I was masturbating"The person was masturbating while walking? YuckFelp "Flips off Babies (bowchikabowchikabow-wow style)" G. Ha ha ha, happens to me all the time........the walking while masturbating, especially at church.... I do prefer the term Masterorgasmizating though.

John "smugly" M. John "smugly" M. TAKE OFF MY CLOTHESMy girlfriend came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore. John "smugly" M.

FLYING CONDOMWhy was the rubber flying through the air? It got pissed off. Carlos "charlie" R.

Lame, but funny. Two condoms walk into a bar, upon ordering their first drinks, one condom notices they had walked into a gay bar. It turns to the other condom and says, "looks like we're getting shitfaced tonight"also, those Chuck Norris jokes, CLASSIC.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. Knock knockwho's there? Smell mop who?

(sounds like smell ma poo)eww, I don't want to smell your poo. My daughter thinks that joke is ridiculously funny. This post violated the Yelp Terms of Service and has been removed.

Carlos "charlie" R. I was tipsy last night watching re-runs of the chapelle show, this one "player hater's ball" joke made crack up for a good half hour. That's a good one charlie!

John "smugly" M. Pa Won't Like It A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, " forget your troubles.

Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later.""That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to.""Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted."Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.""Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile.

John "smugly" M. The Blonde and Her Melons This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along. The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''''Melons,'' the blonde replies.''Cool," the guy says.

Douggg "56 degrees of loft" D. Yo mama so dumb she sits on tv and watches the couch. Yo mama so short her feet shows on her drivers license picture!

From Drew Carey's 101 Big Dick Jokes: My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it. Robin "Slippery When Wet" Z.

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One says to the other "Do you know how to tell when your roomate is a homosexual?" "No, how?" asks the other. Billy, a six year old boy, and a pedophile are walking through the woods together at dusk.

Billy looks around nervously and says: "gee mister, it sure is creepy out here in the dark!"equally nervous, the Pedophile responds, "how do you think I feel?! John "smugly" M. Assign the punishmentThree guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.

She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned!

And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.

Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. John "smugly" M. That is terrible!

Hahahahaha thanks John! I'm jotting your joke down in my mental joke pad! John "smugly" M.

CHPA state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard-of-hearing and her husband. The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE."

A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida." The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'" The old lady nods her head, "Yup." John "smugly" M.

How do you know you're at a gay bbq? The weiners taste like ass. John "smugly" M.

Snoop Doggs Teeth... How does Snoop Dogg keep his teeth white? A woman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. Bartender looks at her and says, "Hey!

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost."It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out."How much to eat?" asked the old man."Don't you understand yet? Peter replied with some exasperation."Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.

This is Heaven."With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault.

Alvin "AlvinLOL" V. "What did the hand say to the face?""SLAP! A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.

"I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy.

'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. Why is emo grass better than normal grass?

Cause it cuts itself! ------------------------------­--what did the pirate say to michael jackson? John "smugly" M.

Don't Leave 'Em Hanging Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.

I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.

Justin "I'm le tired" C. Have you ever seen the movie "The Aristocrats". I was almost crying when it was Bob Saget's turn.

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