Why do relationships always involve interferring inlaws and your husband takes his mothers side and agrees with her?

Why do relationships always involve interferring inlaws and your husband takes his mothers side and agrees with her Asked by newbie8044656 46 months ago Similar questions: relationships involve interferring inlaws husband takes mothers side agrees Lifestyle > Relationships.

Similar questions: relationships involve interferring inlaws husband takes mothers side agrees.

If I understand you... I'll try to interpret your question first. I'm assuming you are at odds with your husband over multiple instances of inlaws getting involved in what you believe are marital decisions or disagreements. In addition to that, your husband on more than one occasion has agreed with his mother's opinion/suggestion/etc.Over and against yours.

Not sure if this has happened to you in a previous marriage or what level of interference/involvement your in-laws are making. Some things to consider: 1) Your husband This is not an uncommon problem at all. Sons love their mothers - that's exactly what you want in a husband, especially if someday you want your husband to be a father.

That being said, very few men are fully aware what it means to "leave father and mother and cleave to (unite with) their wife. " He needs to understand his responsibility to protect and cherish his wife, and that this is MORE important than loyalty and love for his mom. Here's the rub...it's pretty difficult for the wife to be the one to draw this to the husband's attention, and it never helps for a distraught wife to cry things like, "It's her or me!

" and similar ultimatums. If you two know an older couple or a pastor who might be able to come alongside and speak a word of wisdom and advice to your husband, that would be very helpful. Counseling ups the ante (because a husband therefore has to realize and admit he has serious marital problems - that's the perception, many times), but may be appropriate depending on how serious this is.

2) Your mother-in-law What kind of relationship do you have with her outside of these episodes? Are you able to talk to her? Can you sit down and talk to both your in-laws about this?

That may be a slim chance, but it's worth mentioning. However, some other things to think about - try and put yourself in your MIL's shoes. Does she have any grounds for thinking she was asked to weigh in on the issues?

Maybe by her son? Would she see her "advice" as interference? If she's a strong-headed woman, she certainly isn't going to respect a shrinking violet - perhaps what she's really wanting to see is a daughter-in-law who will put her foot down and stand her ground.

3) You First of all, objectively look in the mirror and consider that maybe, at the end of the day, your husband and MIL are actually right on whatever matter you're arguing about. Would that be impossible? Only reason I bring this up is - are you angry/frustrated about the matter itself, or about your husband taking sides with your MIL?

Deal with the most important issue first, whichever one that is. At the end of the day, your husband has to be the one to cut his own emotional apron strings.No one can do it for him. But he needs to see what the damage is he's causing in his relationship with you in order to reach that conclusion.

Finally, the only people who can disrespect you are the ones you allow to. But that also requires a healthy measure of real honesty to say you're wrong when you are, and be level headed about it. Hope that helps some.

Best to you both..

It seems to start that way... When we got married, my mother in law knew everything about all subjects, from raising children, managing money, birth control, buying houses, and----------(fill in the blank! ) She raised 8 kids and was an 'expert' in all areas of parenthood, from giving birth, breastfeeding, childhood illness, and discipline. It didn’t matter that I am a nurse who worked in Labor and Delivery, Post Partum, and Pediatrics, or that she never nursed even one of her children or that she had never used any form of birth control in all of her child bearing years.

She knew the answer and there was no arguing or differing with her. My husband believed everything she said. She often undermined my authority with our kids and it would send me through the roof!

My husband would say, ’Oh, she didn’t mean to say or do that’ or 'I'm sure you misunderstood her. ' He often didn’t believe me when I told him what she had done or said to me. Many times I felt like it was me against my husband and his mother.

I didn’t make a big issue about it though, as I figured one day he would see it himself. I just ignored what she said and did it my own way. If it was something that was dangerous to our kids, like her refusal to use a car seat when she had them in her car, (after all, she raised 8 kids without a car seat and they were all fine!) then I did intervene very forcefully.

For those types of issues, it was do it my way, or you won’t see your grandchildren! Then, as I suspected would happen, she did it to my husband. She completely undermined his authority in a very blatant way.

He was furious and later told me that he understood how I had been feeling. Slowly, he began to back me up and to stand up to his mother. I think it just takes guys some time to let go of their mom and her influence over their lives.

We have now been married for 30 years and he often laughs at some of the old fashioned, off the wall advice that she still continues to share. We take it with a grain of salt.My advice is to not let these skirmishes become a focal point of your marriage. This is his mother and she does deserve respect, whether you think she does or not.

You don’t give any detail about what your inlaws are doing, how long it’s been going on, or how long you have been married, but try not to make this a ’me against them’ situation. When you aren’t in the heat of the moment, let your husband know how you feel and try not to make negative comments about his parents. Once said, you can’t take it back and an angry tongue can have bad consequences!

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I'm not sure you are going to like hearing this, but.....not every marriage has interfering in-laws. And, when some parents succumb to what they think they know (I said know; not do...) best--giving advice to their child--not all children will side with their parents over their spouses. I have in-laws that are not interfering.

I think that is overrated. Interfering to me is a negative when the interference is contrary to one’s own views. But, the absence of interference can also reflect an absence of caring, or at least the perception of that.

From your question, it sounds like you would gladly trade a little interference for some absence of caring...and, I can’t say I would feel any different in your circumstances. I am no model spouse by a mile. My wife would probably require a year to completely inventory my faults.

But, I am very careful in the context of my parents not to be perceived as "ganging up on my wife", even if I honestly side with my parents on a specific issue. I defend my wife in debates, if only her right to her own opinion. Privately, I will openly debate with my wife.

There are no hidden views there. Initially, when we were newly married, I did a lot of behind the scenes blocking and tackling to make sure there would be no issues between my parents and my wife. It paid off.

My wife is truly accepted as a daughter--not just a daughter-in-law...of course, along with the benefits come some disadvantages. Now she gets advice as if she were a child... :) . I think many parents and children have not fully matured in their parent-child relationships.

This can be a product of the child’s behavior. But, I suspect it is usually a result of the parents’ behaviors. When one has an adult relationship with one’s parents, one is in the position to discuss and debate respectfully on virtually all topics.

But, if one is still being treated as a child, my observations are that communications are imperfect. Often issues that matter aren’t discussed. I’m not a psychologist, that is for sure, but it is almost as if one has an unnatural extension of one’s teenage years (or the final years before the child flew the nest).

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . Your question did not solicit recommendations; but, at the risk of offering unwanted advice, let me make 2 suggestions: I would strongly suggest an in-depth, private discussion(s) with your husband about this. He needs to understand your feelings.

You need to understand his too and be able to recognize he may have different opinions. But, there is no need to put a spotlight on a spouse’s disagreement with an audience. I suspect your husband is either insensitive or unable to respectfully help you hold your own opinions in front of his parents.

The latter is often a product of timidity or some parent-child communications failings. I’m not sure I’d recommend putting it that way to him; but, let him understand fully how you feel. Also, make sure the issues with his parents are of their doing, not yours.

If there are legitimate areas of disagreement, it may not be necessary to confront them at every meeting. Once there is a clear understanding between husband and wife, I believe on some issues it is important to hold one’s ground. On less important issues, family harmony trumps full disclosure of one’s views to one’s in-laws.

BUT, if you value your husband’s and your children’s relationships with your in-laws, you may need to do this very gradually over time. And, you need to be highly professional and in control of your emotions. If you resort to a "this is how I feel, stomp out, slam the door" kind of communication, you won’t accomplish anything constructive, in fact, quite the contrary.

I have witnessed adult children all but cower in the face of a domineering parent. It is sad, if at times expedient. Ultimately, I think the domineering parent might respect a child more for standing up and speaking his/her mind.

Askville might even be helpful here. Most in the "Village" are able to share their disagreements without being disrespectful or offensive. That is the kind of communication that is required, verbally of course.

The parent might actually be in shock the first couple times; but, in the long run, I think it should engender mutual respect. Look, you need to raise yourself above all this and assess the overall situation.Do you visit your in-laws once a year, or once a week? How important is the relationship to you, in the context of the fact that the man whom you love is their son and that they are grandparents to your children/future children.

Based on where you come out on this, you will know what to do. Being right in every argument may pale in importance in comparison with the warmth of visiting grandparents for holidays. All successful relationships involve compromise--business relationships, marriage relationships, even in-law relationships.

Make sure you and your husband are as aligned as possible on this.. Good luck. It sure isn’t easy. But, with some work you can move the relationship to a better place.

Enlist your husband’s help in this. It is pretty challenging to do this on your own.. Say, is this a good question for the relationship professionals which Askville has just hired? I’m a psychology neophyte (at best).

They might offer you simpler, more concrete steps.

Men will be boys I remember struggling with my husband because of his mother and sister. All those two women had to do was say one word about me and to him suddenly it was gospel! I had to change my couch because they both said it was ugly..... I loved that couch!

They said I was to ghetto so ... well you get it. I have no idea why men revert to mindless boys when "mommy dearest" comes around but its stinks. What I found works for me was two options.

First just get rid of the hubby. (-whew- was that a relief jk jk) or make your own relationship with your mother in law. Try to get to know her as a person and show her your good qualitys get her to like you to love you then you won't be the odd duck out and the one that always gets ganged up on.

But then you could always fight her till the death (that could be satisfying) these are all tactics iv used and they all worked at diffrn't times. Good luck ............. youll need it! Sources: my marriage .

Because relationship involve people, and husbands have relationships before you were there. You don't explain what the problem is in any specific way, but it seems to involve money. Here is what you need to remember, Men have lived with their mother being the primary care giver and women in their lives, much more so then women with Father's.

Have some sympathy, but if he were smart (and he will be some day), he will not get between you and your Mother in Law. He should support you, but that does not mean that he should agree with you. With more info, I could tell you more..

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.