Why would someone put themselves through an unhealthy relationship knowing its unhealthy?

There is nothing "wrong" with you. The reason why you cannot "let go" is because your relationship with this man satisfies certain important needs, beautiful and precious, I might add, such as comfort, appreciation, companionship, friendship, sex, affection, safety etc. Having these needs satisfied lead to feelings such as joy, happiness, relief, excitement, etc.However, you mention being "tired of being the secret. " So, I am guessing you are feeling some annoyance about this, and that you have a yearning, a longing to be seen with this man without having to worry about consequences.

What I am imagining you are trying to do is meet his need for "safety" and this is the strategy that you two are using.So you are contributing to his need, and that is beautiful too. He, likewise is also trying to meet his own needs, and his wife's, perhaps his children etc. So, the question is whether or not a different strategy can be used to better meet the constellation of needs by all the parties concerned. You might want to explore this further with him, and with others and I suggest as a start to look at my listening skills page for some ideas on how to approach this conversation.

The conversation, I might add, can also be with yourself, when you are in that contemplative mode, to listen for your own feelings and needs about the situation, and what you are really wanting. When you become clear about this, then you will move forward, rather than be stuck in an apparent impasse.Duenhsiyen.

It is called co-dependeny - when one or two people are engaged in pursuing any type of relationship that is unhealthy - which can cover a lot of territory! The main reasons people do this are - insecurity - low self esteem - prior abuse either in the home or other relationships and a myriad of other situations which cause character flaws. If this is a continued behavior it is always good to seek professional advice as to why you are doing it and how to know in the future ie: signs to look for.

They don't know any better. They think this is how life is supposed to be. Its a little sad.

No, love is a strange thing. You see women staying with men that beat them all the time. It could be that you in some way find the situation interesting...could choose you one day.

Or it could be that you are so obsessed with having him as your own that it is some kind of a game now.. I say that you are probably better than that and deserve to have a man love you and care for you in the same way. I would tell him he really needed to choose....don't let ANY man give you less than you deserve :).

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.