How do I get my very bright 15 year old son to be responsible?

He has a very high IQ, but does poor in school because he does not do homework or study. He is able to get a drivers permit, but we will not let him because he is not mature enough. He spends his school years grounded - all the time.

I feel bad for him, but I really can not let him get away with missing assignments at school, lying to us, being immature. We take away his TV and video games, he does not change. We ground him to the point where he is sitting at the dining room table, no view of TV or anything and tell him he can get up when he grades are 80% or better.

At one point last year, it took him 9 weeks to get up from the table grounding! When I was in 10th grade, I had fun. I had a boyfriend (who is now my husband of 18 years), I had a car and a job.

I feel bad watching him just sit there, but what else is there to do? We have visited with many doctors, tried ADHD medications - nothing, ever. He is not a bad kid, he would never hurt anyone or anything.

Help me! Asked by noone 49 months ago Similar questions: bright 15 year son responsible Family > Parenting.

Similar questions: bright 15 year son responsible.

Reduce the negative and put in some positive First of all, he is growing up enough to be part of the decision making process. What does HE say will help? Listen to him and try to incorporate anything he says, so that he knows he DOES have a voice.

If all you get is "I dunno..." then check the possibility of some of the points below. I can guarantee what you are doing is causing a buildup of resentment that will explode one way or another in the future. Stop the grounding.

Stop all the punishment you are using right now unless he does something terribly bad. "Son, you are old enough to decide a few things about your own life. You are terribly bright but are choosing not to take advantage of that gift.

There is nothing we can do about that. So here are the new rules: 1. You will not get a driver’s license until you have earned enough money at some job or another to pay for at least 2/3 of a car you want.

Then we will help you get your license and pay for the rest of the car. 2. Your grades are not something we can force.

However for every tenth of a point over 3.0 you get per quarter, we will give you ten dollars. That means a hundred dollars a quarter for a 4.0. That’s $400 a year just for doing reasonably good work.

We know you can do it, but we want it to mean something to you, too. 3. You are responsible for some chores around the house.

We need your help. You are responsible for (take your pick) a) checking ads in the paper for food sales and helping us build a week’s menu around them; b) helping with dishes after dinner; c) etc. " The idea here is not to leave him to do something on his own, but to do something which is in concert with you parents, so it is family.4. Roll the dice for jobs.

I assume Saturdays are probably the days when the house gets cleaned, the yard gets caught up (if there is one) and such. When my husband walked out on me and six children in 1991, I invented a game which worked beautifully. We would list the first six things that really needed doing.

Then we would list six things that were fun. Examples of the first: clean the bathrooms, change the beds, do floors, dust, weed, put stuff away. Examples of the second: read, bake cookies, play a card or board game, eat a snack, etc. The first roll of the die was to determine work or play.

Odd was work, even was play. The second roll was what we were to do. No work or play time was to exceed one-half hour, and we ALL participated.

When there was a time limit to the work, as well as a time limit to the play, an incredible amount of work got done by some very willing hands, we had a lot of fun during the play times, and the family bonds these times built last today, along with a lot of funny stories about "do you remember when....?" What I am trying to say is make it all worth his while in a positive sense and include him in the family. He really needs both, I am sure.

Sounds a lot like my boy Nick... Sounds like my 17 year old son... same thing... high IQ... refuses to do any homework... he says he is a kid and wants to enjoy life and homeword doesn't fit his philosophy. We used to hawk over him and almost force him to do it with negative and positive reinforcements... we just got burned out. Now he is too big and too strong to physically make him sit down and work on homework.

He is barely passing... not even sure he is passing at this point. He has a driver's permit and he is a very good driver. We are delaying his license and his car.

S younger sister will be driving first. My son does the same thing... he loses everything he sits there and stares at the wall and gets angry... it is almost like he is saying, "See Mom and Dad... this isn't working... I am learning nothing from this... I can wait you out..." We also know his soft points... communications with his friends (he has many)... through cell phone, texting, IM, MySpace, etc. Also Xbox gaming on the Internet and general Internet access for browsing and finding and trading music. We may also ground him for a few days... up to a week depending the gravity of what he has done.

We take things away... he looses rights to these things when he does something wrong. The thing is you can't take things away for too long or you will end up taking everything and then there is nothing to bargain with him over. We might take his phone for 1 week and we NEVER let him have it early... consistency is very important I think.

We have let him mow the yard or something to basically pay off his punishment as well and he suffers through that. Try a few things... the litmus test is "How close does your punitive action mimic real society?" The closer the better.

You could also let him earn an allowance and then fine him for doing things wrong... that is exactly what happens when we adults break the law... there is some kind of penalty to pay. Those kinds of things prepare him for society. I try to do at least one thing with my son per week like going out to his favorite pizza place or a movie... getting him to be a captive audience in my car for an hours or so of really one-to-one communications is helpful I think.

Your husband should do that with him... they are probably more alike than different really. I have gotten my son to open up to me and I don't punish him for what he admits he has done wrong (that I probably wouldn't have ever found out otherwise)... I do counsel him though on what bad can come from this action or that. Sources: Personal Experience .

This is a very sad situation I feel very badly for you and your son. Does he have friends? 9 weeks sitting at a table does not sound like the answer.

What is his attitude? Here is something to try. Can you talk to his teachers about what his assignments are and you or your husband sit with him to help him finish his homework and then let him get up from the table?

Be very active in helping his get his homework done? For some reason, it sounds like he just does not care. Is he down on himself?

Maybe he needs counseling. I think I would also try doing fun things with him on the weekends - going to basketball games? This is not to reward him but to get him motivated.

Sounds like punishing him a lot is not working for you. All kids are different. Talk to his school counselor and find out if he is getting into any trouble at school.

There has to be something going on. Was he fine last year? Is this his first year at this school?

Please let me know if and when things get better. I know when one of my sons was in high school he was failing a history class. The teacher and I worked together.

He gave me the assignments for my son. We worked together on his homework (I did not do it for him) and his grades came right up. Hang in there.

He sounds like a good kid.

Responsibility is learned, sometimes not from modeling. Most schools now have agenda planners where they are supposed to write in their daily assignments. If he has that, you should be looking at it every night.

If he doesn't, get a week by week calender and have him start to put in the homework assignments. If there is no home work assignment from a class, he must get the teachers initials. You should then sit with him while he does his homework.

Once it is done, it should be put away in his back pack. Once it is done, he is free (do not continue the punishments, they are not working and are making everyone miserable). It is his job to get it done every day, and your job to check it every day.

You should get a folder (O-pee-chee or similar), to put the home work in every night. That way he knows where it is in his back pack when he goes to school. Try to get Email addresses for all of It is probably the most efficient way to communicate with the teacher.

The idea is to get him started, and watch him constantly keep on it. You can include a charted reward. For example, each finished homework assignment is worth 1 point.20 points is a small prize or special dinner, or guest over for dinner, 1 hour of driving practice (with adult of his choice), or something like that.

100 point would be a major reward (learners permit, day trip somewhere, Etc. ). Set up meetings with his teachers.

Find out what they do and when. Talk to them about filling out an agenda so you know every day what is expected, and so does he..

1 tuppence, regarding your answer "reduce the negative and put in some positive": I think too there is some resentment building that may explode later... expecially if he has everything taken from him and just sits there stewing. Get him out with the family... One thing I do that I didn't mention was that I ask my son what the punishment should be for this or that. He comes up with some righeous punishments and then knows all too well how to "earn" them.

The only thing is that sometimes he will accept the punishment in order to be able to do something. S curfew is 10pm (in bed) on school nights and 12 midnight on Fri/Sat (in room). He breaks that and he knows he loses his cell phone for 1 week (the center of his ability to communicate with some 75 friends he has in his call list).

If he turns his phone off and doesn't come home on time we begin looking for him... I have transfered all of his friends numbers to my computer and we just start calling them and that embarasses him... he is more careful about coming home. He was spending the night at a pals house down the street but he doesn't sleep at all then and sleeps most of the next day. We found out they "Ding-Dong-Ditch" (ring the doorbell) of the DEA agent in out neighborhood.

Apparently the guy can run like the wind and does obstacle courses and actually takes flight every time some kid rings his bell. A number of kids have been busted... my son is an exception. I don't like him bothering this man and I and fearful that he may get hurt so we have curtailed his sleep overs anywhere except a few select households with good tight controls on the kids.

Nick and I have been on some long drives just to talk about "what could happen if things went wrong"... at some point they invariably do. Anyway... they need to have some freedom... but controls too... and tighten them down just enough so that dont' get into too much trouble.

Tuppence, regarding your answer "reduce the negative and put in some positive": I think too there is some resentment building that may explode later... expecially if he has everything taken from him and just sits there stewing. Get him out with the family... One thing I do that I didn't mention was that I ask my son what the punishment should be for this or that. He comes up with some righeous punishments and then knows all too well how to "earn" them.

The only thing is that sometimes he will accept the punishment in order to be able to do something. S curfew is 10pm (in bed) on school nights and 12 midnight on Fri/Sat (in room). He breaks that and he knows he loses his cell phone for 1 week (the center of his ability to communicate with some 75 friends he has in his call list).

If he turns his phone off and doesn't come home on time we begin looking for him... I have transfered all of his friends numbers to my computer and we just start calling them and that embarasses him... he is more careful about coming home. He was spending the night at a pals house down the street but he doesn't sleep at all then and sleeps most of the next day. We found out they "Ding-Dong-Ditch" (ring the doorbell) of the DEA agent in out neighborhood.

Apparently the guy can run like the wind and does obstacle courses and actually takes flight every time some kid rings his bell. A number of kids have been busted... my son is an exception. I don't like him bothering this man and I and fearful that he may get hurt so we have curtailed his sleep overs anywhere except a few select households with good tight controls on the kids.

Nick and I have been on some long drives just to talk about "what could happen if things went wrong"... at some point they invariably do. Anyway... they need to have some freedom... but controls too... and tighten them down just enough so that dont' get into too much trouble.

" (10 answers) "My oldest son is married and has a two year old daughter," "what is a great gift idea for my 4 year old son" "my almost three year old son only wants to sleep by me. What should I do? " "son moved to another state when he turned 18.

Am I financially responsible? He lives in another state with my ex-in law" "I am a single father of a 16 year old son. I just caught him and his 15 year old girlfriend having sex, what should I do.

My oldest son is married and has a two year old daughter.

What is a great gift idea for my 4 year old son.

My almost three year old son only wants to sleep by me. What should I do?

Son moved to another state when he turned 18. Am I financially responsible? He lives in another state with my ex-in law.

I am a single father of a 16 year old son. I just caught him and his 15 year old girlfriend having sex, what should I do.

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.