How do I summon Demons without sacrificing a prepubescent child?

Unfortunately, for a major demon, one worth his fire and brimstone, you will need to sacrifice the aforesaid 5 pre-pubies and/or two ugly chicks. Hypothetically, you do not want to jerk these demon characters around and come up with ersatz substitutes. Obviously the last thing you want to do is piss off a big demon.

For small demons, those good for some minor mischief like making your jerk of a next door neighbor barf up 30 pounds of cherry pits, you can try the following method: Draw a circle with chalk on a wooden floor. The circle should be 6.66 feet in diameter. Get a piece of a string a little over 3.33 feet in length, tie the chalk to one end and nail the other end into the floor to draw your circle.

Draw a pentagram with the chalk and a yardstick and make the pentagram so its end points fit exactly inside the circle. At each of the five places where the pentagram's points touch the circle, place a black candle. Light the candles at 3 am, the start of the witching hour, and seat yourself in the center of the circle, chanting "Natas, Natas, Ronim Nomed Won Raeppa."

A minor demon should appear within the hour. Note that they are usually in a bad mood and need to be fed. Cheetos or dried squid usually tend to appease the runt-sized buggers and you can then ask your little Satan's helper to do something demonic.

There are no guarantees, however. Above all, use caution and common sense when mucking about with things like this. A slight mistake in the ritual could spell disaster.

We hear too often about dead victims found in some attic sitting inside a poorly drawn chalk circle with a baffled look frozen in rigor mortis on their shocked bloodless faces.

No...no...no Paula Deen...aborted fetuses are only used in a few select Southern recipes ( fetus gumbo, fetus etouffe, etc.)..but I've heard Repugnicans taste just like prepubescent children (and chicken)....

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