Literary agent query letter?

Firstly, it sounds good, and even though neither is perfect, I think they still might catch a few people's interest to see how the first pages read. Granted, I don't read novels like this to know if it sounds cliche or not - a bad query can make your book sound cliche even if it's original. Secondly, you might want to spell TWILIGHT Zone correctly before you send it off.

;) AND, are there any books you can compare it, too? I prefer the second version. There's this common advice against starting with rhetorical questions, because the answer is usually not what you'd assume.

Your second query starts with a hook, which is needed for commercial fiction. The first paragraph sounded good until I read the second paragraph and now the first para seems like backstory. Don't put backstory in your query.

It's unnecessary and if it's important, the agent will read it when/if they read your manuscript. Get rid of the questions and get straight to the point. You only have a certain amount of words to catch an agents attention and you can't waste those words on superfluous information like backstory or rhetorical questions.

I'd remove the question in the second para (in the 2nd version) and start with the second sentence. After reading both versions, I'm still unclear why she's being given a second chance and what the purpose of it is. There's no hint to what goal she has to accomplish to move on to the afterlife.

Tighten, tighten, tighten. This reads better: DEATH OF A SIREN is a 64,000-word Young Adult Paranormal Adventure... Query letters aren't expected to be perfect and all it needs to accomplish is to entice someone to read pages and let your writing and execution of the story do the rest. Queryshark.blogspot.com is a good place to learn how to write an effective query letter, and I suggest you read all the posts to get the gist of it.

'Tis my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. Good luck with it.

:).

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.