My Son Is Awful to His Younger Sister. What Can I Do?

Imagine how you'd feel if your husband brought home a new wife and tried to convince you that he still loved you the same, and that he was sure that this new woman would add to the happiness of your family. Picture him trying to convince you that in time you'd come to love his new wife with all your heart. Chances are, you'd have a whole lot of resentment toward this new lady -- and your husband would have a whole lot of explaining to do!

As much as we want our children to adore their siblings, mutual affection doesn't always happen on its own. Some kids are quite welcoming toward a new brother or sister, but others require our concerted effort to forge a loving connection between them. I'm glad you want to address the problem now; studies suggest that a sibling's negative behavior can impact a child as much or even more than that of a parent's, because a brother or sister represents that all-important peer approval (or disapproval), which has such a profound effect on a child's self-esteem.

Here's my advice: Allow your son to express his emotions, without censoring him or giving him what I call an Act II, where you try to explain why he should feel differently about your daughter. Chances are, he's been "leaking out" his anger toward his sister with mean jabs and shoves because he hasn't been allowed to voice his negative feelings without being scolded. Make comments that you think he'll say "Yes" to, so he feels you hear and understand his frustration: "Sometimes your sister really annoys you, and it's tempting to say something mean to hurt her ..." or "It's hard to resist putting your sister down when you get so mad ..." Offer him safe and acceptable outlets for his anger; hand him a plastic baseball bat and let him hit a pile of crumpled newspapers, or give him a piece of big-sized bubble wrap that he can stomp on to get his feelings out.

The more you make it okay for your son to be upset, the less his bottled up emotions will spill over onto his sister. Do make sure you're giving each of your children the chance to feel special in your eyes by spending one-on-one time with them, and by generously acknowledging the unique ways that they light up your world. The more your son feels seen and appreciated by you, the less his jealousy will fuel his misbehavior.

While your son may not fully appreciate his sister's presence now, if you take these steps, there's a good chance they'll eventually become lifelong friends. Don't give up! Someday, they'll both thank you for the effort you make to help them create a healthy relationship.

I imagine that some of this is just natural teenage boy aggression and rebellion but he should be made aware that physical confrontation is not allowed and will not be tolerated.

This is not a three year old angry because everyone is paying attention to the new baby.

This is a child who has learned that no matter what you say he can be mean to his sister and everybody understands. It's not really his fault.

So stop thinking about him. This is not about him.

This is about the 10 year old that you have allowed to be bullied in her own home.

Think about her now. And once you do that, once she learns to extract herself from his meanness, you may find that he'll figure out other ways to get your attention.

This is sibling rivalry, gone too far. The first thing you need to find out is what needs of your son's are not being met? Is he tired, hungry, bored, not getting attention, or what exactly?

Are you providing activities for both children that they can do together to encourage comradery? Are you overseeing these activities?

You have to set clear boundaries to minimize the rivalry that is taking place here. Let your son know that it is not acceptable to intimidate, criticise, or be sarcastic to his sister. The punishment for disobeying that order should come instantly and it should be consistent.

Keep the rules clear and whatever you do, don't let the older child be in charge of the younger one at any time until you get this well under control.

Beyond Sibling Rivalry by Peter Goldenthal, Ph.D.

What Parents Need To Know About Sibling Abuse by Vernon R. Wiehe.

The Baffled Parent's Guide to Sibling Rivalry by Marian Edelman Borden.

I think that you should do things as a family to get them more involved with each other. I have 3 children ages 21,17 and 11. I just recently found out that that my 21 and 17 fought often because they now have decided to tell me.

They said that they had a pack never to tell us. They said not only verbally but physically fought! They are the best of friends today!

Then looking back I fought with my brother every other day and we are fine today,LOL.

Again, when I bought the family an I-touch my two kids 11 and 17 played together for two days straight! I took them hiking and they played like 3 year olds...just from experience it really brings them together. I don't think this is abnormal as I'm seeing it discussed.

I have 1 sister and 5 brothers and believe me we had war as soon as our parents hit the door and today we laugh about it!

First you need to talk to them sepratly and find out what's going on. Then ask your dautgher how she feels when this happens. Then go to your son and try to ask him why he does that sort of thing.

Then bring them into the same room and see what happens.

Give your son an oppurtunity to express his anger, let him understand he has the right to express the way he feels, to a large extent he will be relieve then you can counsel and guide him in the right way.

He has been doing this for years and you are only asking now?! Ask yourself who is the parent and who is the child?

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.