What do you think is the psychology behind a racist who actually lusts after the race he despises?

Well let me tell you something. I too have many things. But I'm an odd case.

I was diagnosed with depression, I often had thoughts of suicide (though I never really attempted it). I too like colorful things, I too can have way more compassion than it seems natural. Sometimes I feel sorry for something or someone that doesn't even seem like I should have compassion for them.

But again, I sometimes tend to change a lot and unintentionally get pretty destructive. Point is, the way I behave is nothing close to gender stereotypes. And that's all that it is.

Stereotypes. Just because people expect males to act in one way and females in other way, it really doesn't mean that they should. To me, behavior like yours looks equally plausible to either male or female person.

Unless if you want to wear dresses, lipstick and other extremely female features I wouldn't consider you anything else than what you are now. But again, as I said, I am not really a general type of person, so that's just my opinion. As for your update question, to me you sound more like Androgyne than MTF transgender.

I don't see anything that implies you want to be a female or something of a sort. You just sound like a person with a set of more unique interests.

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.