How do you explain to young children that their parents are getting divorced to make the transition as easy on them as possible?

Always Put the Children First' First and foremost, remember this: You once loved each other enough to marry and create these precious children, so you need to do all you can to make the transition as easy as possible, and minimize the hurt as much as possible - for the children, as well as for each other. For the sake of your children, you need to put as much thought and consideration into the divorce, and how you will handle it, as you did when planning your wedding. Make the children your priority, by always keeping their best interest in mind with everything you do and say.

And, no matter how angry or hurt either of you may be, always keep in mind your ex is the father/mother of your children. And respect them as such, especially around your kids. Children quite often take their cue from one parent as to how to act towards the other parent after a divorce; you need to show them, by example, that they need to treat both parents with respect.

Before either of you does anything, or talks to the children about this, you both need to resolve to always put the children first - before, during and after the divorce - and keep your word, no matter what. Don't make the children the victims of divorce, but help them to be happy, well-adjusted children, and let them know they will always have two loving parents. Some divorces start out with bitterness and anger, and others on good terms.

And then one partner or the other (or both) becomes angry and bitter. If this does happen, don't ever let the children know how you feel. Keep your anger and bitterness away from the kids, no matter what the reasons for the divorce, and no matter how justified you may feel in your anger.

This is not the fault of the kids, and neither is it their fault nor their fight. So be adults and put the kids first. Start out by reassuring them that you both still love them, and that the divorce has nothing to do with them; children often tend to blame themselves for their parents' divorce, thinking it must somehow be their fault.

Make absolutely sure they realize this has nothing to do with them. They may even need frequent reassuring for a while. If this is indeed the case, be patient and give them the reassurance they need - as much, or as often, as necessary.

If you and your spouse are still on good terms, sit down together and tell the children. This will help reassure them that both of you do still love them, and that you will both always be there for them. It is crucial that they know this.

Explain to them that sometimes grownups care for each other, but not in the way that they can still live together. Of course, the wording will depend on the age of your children, but if you phrase it according to their age level, they should be able to deal with that explanation. Do NOT tell them something such as "Daddy had a girlfriend."

Never place the blame on either parent, no matter what the reasons for the divorce. This is something the kids do not need to be told or involved in. Their life is about to be changed forever; do all you can to make this transition as easy as possible for them.

Never put your ex-spouse down to the kids, or say things like "Well, your mom is the one who messed up." That will not only hurt the kids, but will confuse them, and possibly even make them feel they are expected to choose sides. Do not put them in that position, no matter how old they are.

If you do get into an argument (as is often the case), do not fight in front of the children. This will only undermine and contradict your efforts to reassure them that they - and both of you - will be OK. Some parents have even told their children things about their ex that were complete lies, in the name of wanting to make the other parent look as bad as possible to the children, and to turn the kids against the other parent.

This is a huge no-no, and one of the worst things you can do. Not only will it hurt their relationship with the other parent, but when they are older, they will learn the truth. The resentment, anger, mistrust and betrayal they will feel towards the parent who lied will be extremely hard to overcome, and may damage their relationship permanently.

Children are resilient, but there will be an adjustment period for them too; allow them time to grieve for the home life they've lost, too. Divorce is hard on everyone, but if both parents work together for the sake of the kids, it can be an amicable divorce. If one, or both of you, feel bitter (which is understandable) don't let the kids see it.

That will only make it harder for them, confuse them, and take them longer to come to terms with the divorce. And please, don't ever use the children as a weapon against the other parent - the kids are the ones who will end up hurt far more than the parent will be. Also, just because you are divorcing each other, you are both still responsible for the rearing, support, happiness and well-being of your children.

So, as their parents, do all you can to present a united front to them, and keep the noncustodial parent "in the loop" with the kids' lives and activities. Allow, and even encourage, the noncustodial parent to be as active in the kids' lives as possible. When one parent gets custody of the children, the other parent who has to pay child support quite often ends up resenting this, thinking of it as money they are "giving" to their ex-spouse.

Don't ever discuss this with the children, or in front of them. The only thing this would accomplish is to make them feel guilty, and make them feel it's their fault that the child support has to be paid. Don't make them feel like a financial burden.

Never say something like "Well, if your Dad would pay the child support on time, I could buy you that new video game." Remember, they had no say in the breakup of the marriage, nor are they responsible for it. They still need housing, food, clothing, medical care, etc., just as they did before the divorce, and that certainly won't change afterward.

For the parent who doesn't have custody, make a point of being as involved in your children's lives as much as possible. Being divorced does not release a noncustodial parent from responsibilities to the kids. They still need both parents just as much as ever - and possibly even more for a while.

Don't ever tell your kids "Don't tell your Mom/Dad" if you do something that you feel the other parent will be upset about. For example, if you know the other parent is opposed to them watching certain TV shows or movies, don't let them watch them and then expect them to have to betray the other parent by keeping it a secret. And don't go overboard trying to "buy" their love by showering them with lavish gifts, and then telling them "Don't tell your Mom/Dad."

Not only is that unfair to the kids, but it can also teach them how to play one parent against the other, which will present a whole new set of problems. Besides, you cannot buy their love: You earn it by giving it, and you give it by being there for them unconditionally. Nor should you try to assuage any guilt you may be feeling by showering them with gifts.

It's you they need, and not the toys. If one of you is involved with someone else, don't try to make that person part of the kids' lives yet. They will only resent and blame the other person (as well as the parent who is involved), and feel they owe it to the other parent to automatically dislike that person.

Give the kids at least 6 months before bringing a third person into the picture. Never "pump" the children for information about the other parent. Don't ask them things such as "Does Daddy have a girlfriend?" or "How much did Mom pay for that new dress she was wearing?"

Never, ever ask them to spy on the other parent - no matter what information you want, or think you need. This happens far too often, and it puts the children in the middle, making them feel torn between the love for both parents. It also makes them feel guilty if they do it, and guilty if they don't, so don't put that burden on them.

Once you are divorced, it's none of your business what your ex-spouse does. Once you and your spouse do separate, keep your promise that you made to each other in the beginning: Always put the children first. Don't make them pay for something over which they had no control.

Make the children a product of your marriage, and of the love you once had for each other - and not the aftermath of your divorce.

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