How to set boundaries around a cantankerous, self centered mother in law?

In-law conflict rates up there with money and sex related issues that cause marital distress and contributor to divorce. It's something I've dealt with many times in my private practice. It's really your spouse’s responsibility to set the boundaries on his side of the family to protect your marriage.

Have sympathy for her. Consider her as a helpless case. But never tell her so.

Never react to her insinuations. Face smilingly. Still love her, or act to love her.

She will accept defeat and will become a fan of you. Take it as a challenge, and be the winner. Good luck!

85ThunderKeys got this perfectly right, it is your spouses responsability to deal with thier own family, and if your spouse lets his mother treat you in this way, I know darn well what direction my anger would be adressed.

I have read a book by Henry Cloud named Boundaries. It was very helpfull in family matters such as these. Simply put, don't allow yourself to be dictated to.No is a perfectly acceptable answer.

You don't have to explain. Has saying yes all the time gotten you better treatment? Probably not.

We get what we tolerate. Where is your Husband in all this? Is he aware that his Mother is a bully?

No. You can't just say no; however, you must not do it because she will believe she can always snap her fingers and you will jump. Go along the lines, 'you should have checked first, I'm going out that day, you'll have to get a carer in.' Don't argue, don't explain yourself, or where or why you are going out.

You have to train her to ask, just like children really, and like children, they have to learn to live with disappointment.

The use of "I" statements takes the blame off the person you are addressing and asks for cooperation. An example of an "I" statements for this situation is:"I don't mind taking care of Dad. But I don't like it when you don't check with me to see if I am free first.

If you do it again, you will have to find someone else to stay with Dad.

Simply tell her that you will be unable to. You do not owe her an explanation; just say “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to”. It would be better if your husband were willing to back you up, preferably with the simple “I’m sorry mother, she won’t be able to”.

If you absolutely must give, inform her that you are unavailable on the dates. This also needs no further explanation.

Care for your father in law. Family first. Put your problem in perspective.

People are dying. You can take one for the team.

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.