Can you please critique the beginning of my short story? It's a very short paragraph.?

I find it interesting how the writers that need the most critique cower on Y! A by giving the excuse that they are "amateur" writers...meanwhile, writers like yourself want "harsh critique." I admire that.

First, I'll tell you what I liked about this piece: The first line grabbed my attention immediately; you start out VERY strong. It kept me thinking. Rather than specifically spelling out that the girl was possessed by a demon, you SHOWED it gradually by giving hints.

You started your sentences in a variety of ways…put into words, this doesn’t sound like a very “big” accomplishment. However, I know how difficult this can be at times. Rather than simply writing down meaningless actions, you show emotion at the same time.

Now for the critique…although it will be difficult to be “harsh. Sweat beaded at his temples and hairline and his face had gone pale.” <- In this sentence, to make it grammatically correct, a comma should be added between “hairline” and “and” because it’s a compound sentence. (I’ll provide a link below to a website that describes the three basic sentence types: simple, compound, and complex.

If you don’t understand why a comma should go where I suggest, then be sure to check it out.) However, rather than simply adding that comma, I think that you could make this sentence better by completely discarding the second “and.” How can you do this and still have a grammatically correct sentence? Well, I have a few suggestions.

One, you could try rearranging the order of the words. For instance, you might say, “Sweat beaded at his temples and hairline, his face going pale. Two, you could replace “and” with “as”: “Sweat beaded at his temples and hairline as his face went pale.

Three, you could insert a metaphor or simile. You say “his” or “her” quite frequently; I would try to replace a few of these with the characters’ names so that the reader doesn’t get confused. In fact, as a reader, I didn’t find out the girl’s name until the very end of this excerpt.

I also didn’t know that Wulfram was a priest until near the end…maybe you could simply have the girl’s father (whose name I also don’t know) say, “Father…” in part of his dialogue. Even when the girl’s father says, “I hope you know what you’re doing, Wulfram. You were always a…” he should probably refer to Wulfram as “Father Wulfram” because he is a priest.

I don’t think you need a comma after “Lord knew” in the sentence “Lord knew, he'd done that already. If you ever feel that your writing isn’t strong enough, try to go back and add similes and/or metaphors…I find that it helps A LOT. Other than that, I didn’t find anything.

Fantastic writing!

I must be reading something wrong. Harsh critique welcomed? What a change.

I'm getting so tired of people posting drivel and saying "I'm only 12 years old" or whatever. However, the problem I have with your posting is, there isn't anything to criticize. You've done a great job in setting the scene and in introducing characters.

I like it.

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.