Daugher-in-laws, what do you wish your mother-in-law knew and/or understood about you?

" I am looking for some insight here. You hear about mother-in-law/daugher-in-law issues all the time. Please share your knowledge/experience and tell us what you wish mother-in-laws knew and understood.

What would you like them to do and/or not do? Asked by marissa 52 months ago Similar questions: Daugher in laws mother in law knew understood Science > Psychology.

Similar questions: Daugher in laws mother in law knew understood.

Well If you are talking generalities, I wish MILs could figure out that as wives, we are their sons' family now. Their primary family is no longer their parents. The main woman in their lives is no longer their mother.

There seems to be such a competition thing that happens with MILs. I don't think it's just between an MIL and DIL. I have certainly seen it impact the Son in Law relationship too.

I realize it is hard for parents to let go and redefine the role they have played in their child's life, but it is a necessary step in parenting. The successful in law relationships seem to be those where that redefinition has taken place and parents are able to accept that by marrying, their child takes on a new family focus. Their identities cease to be defined as off spring of Mr. and Mrs. so and so.

They become their own person on a more complete level. This seems to be a much greater issue with Mothers in Law than Fathers in Law. Perhaps men are hard wired to let go and let their children become themselves.

Maybe mothers are so bonded with their children they find it more difficult. I don't know. I do know that if mothers in law could accept that roles change and find a way to sync their own role change it would probably allow better boundaries and more openness.My own mother has had difficulties with this and has, at times, been rather unkind to my husband.

I finally had to explain to her that he and my kids are my primary family now. If she can't be nice to my family, she can't visit.My mother adapted and she is much nicer now. Similarly, my husband's mother imposes her ideas and traditions on me to such a degree that I resent it and her involvement in our lives.

I avoid her the like the plague. She has not adapted so well. Unfortunately she lives a lot closer than my mother.

I've had the same mother-in-law for 38 yrs plus, where do I begin?! My mother-in-law will be 85 yrs. Old in November and she moved in to an assisted living apartment just 3 yrs ago and I didn't think she'd live there the 1st year without being able to cook, garden or just piddle around with anything and everything, but she fooled me for the first time in her life.

First of all, I want her to know that I'm going to be around for the long haul and that I've always intended to be around for that length of time. I'm not going anywhere so she can stop mentioning to my husband that she has money and they can get some place of their own if needed. She says these things without my husband even telling her that there's a need for it, nor has there ever been a need for it.

I want her to know that the things she thought were important to him when he was younger is no longer that important to him. S priorities have changed a lot and he's all grown up now with a mind of his own. Yes, he likes salads now and will eat them every chance he gets even though he didn't like them 40 yrs ago.

Yes, he will eat his eggs other ways now and not have to have them scrambled all the time. Yes, he will wear a shirt that has not been ironed because we now have clothes that you can take out of the dryer and straighten up and they don't need ironing any more. Yes, he will wear his blue jeans without being pressed and having a crease up the middle of his legs.

Yes, he always got up with the boys since they were born because he wanted to and not because I made him. We both had our children and he wanted to be a big part of their lives because his parents took care of him, but were not a big part of his life. They didn't go to ball games to watch him play baseball or football or any other thing he got involved in because they were flipping houses before it became fashionable to do so and that took up all their spare time after work and on weekends.

And because they always lived in their houses, he was moving all the time and never getting to put down roots any one place long enough to make long lasting friendships. Yes, he likes my cooking as well and sometimes better than yours. Not because I cook any better, but because I cook a bigger variety and I cook things differently.

I don't use bacon fat in everything or lard and even though I do cook a lot of fresh veggies from the garden, I don't have to cook them until they fall apart in your mouth. I cook them enough to be done, but leave a lot of nutritional value for him to eat. Yes, we spent a lot of time with our boys at the ball field BEFORE my house was always cleaned; there just wasn't enough time in one day and there was always tomorrow or the next.

Yes, I'm the one who calls you everyday to check on you because if your son does, he always ends up having to come over and DO SOMETHING and not just be able to stop and visit. Yes, I'm the one who keeps up with all the birthdays, anniversaries, etc because he just doesn't keep up with that stuff and never will. I keep up with all the addresses and family events.

I want her to know that I love her even though she thinks he could have done much better because I think he could have done much better choosing parents, but since neither one of us gets to choose who God wants us to be in love with or to raise, that's the way it is. I could go on, but I think you understand. I don't think I'm unique in the mother-in-law department.

I would never say anything against her that might make h im think he needs to make a choice between his Mom or me. I would always win and as long as I know that, that's all that's important...... Sources: Almost 40 yrs with the same mother-in-law......

I have the stereo-typical mother-in-law situation going on here. Here is what I wish she knew... I wish she knew that her son (my husband) makes decisions on his own. That if we make a decision about ourselves or family that she disagrees with, that it did not just stem from me... that the decision was also made by her free-thinking son.

For example, we eloped. Neither of us had the need to have the big wedding, and we simply couldn't afford it. We decided to elope, and then throw a separate reception for everyone to celebrate our marriage.

She is convinced, to this day, that I made my husband do this. That he would have never chosen to marry outside of the Catholic church. I don't think she knows that he does not identify with the Catholic church, even though he was brought up this way, and that this is thinking he developed on his own... even before he met me.

She was upset by our decision, but does not hold it against her son. I was solely responsible for this disappointment to her. In another similar situation, when we had our children (and this was especially an issue with the first), we decided we wanted the first week of their life to just be spent with us.

Others could visit, but we did not want any company staying with us until week 2 and on. This just made sense to us. He would have to go back to work then, and I would need the help then.

And most importantly, we looked forward to just hanging out and getting to know our new addition without the distraction of others in the home. Again, I was solely responsible for this decision in her eyes. I want her to know that her husband equally makes the decisions for us and our family that she is not fond of.

And, these decisions are never about her. They are simply about what is best for us. I'm sure this next one is very common, but I want her to know that it is o.k.

If I do things differently then her. It does not make it wrong, it is just different. From little things like how much wine to pour into the spaghetti sauce and how to store it, to bigger things like how long I chose to breastfeed my children, why can't she just offer her advice if she feels the need to, then nicely let it go.

I want her to learn to just say to herself "Well, that is the way she does it. It isn't the way I would do it or did it, but that is o.k. " Instead, she must revisit the issue every opportunity she gets, until it becomes a source of bad feelings for me toward her.

I want her to learn the valuable lesson of knowing when to let something go in order to maintain a happy, healthy relationship with someone. I want her to truly make an attempt to know who I am, and not just categorize me as someone she thinks I am. I have heard her tell people on more than one occasion that I am not a religous person.

Of course, this stems from our marriage and not having had our children baptised in the Catholic church like her other sons have done with their children. Because of that, she has formed her own opinions on what I think about God and religion. But what is so bothersome about this is she has never bothered to ASK me what I believe.

I want her to take the time to get to know me and stop forming her own ideas about who I am. Just ask me. I would be more than willing to share with her what I think and believe in.

This is true for many other things as well. Politics, health, spiritual beliefs, child rearing, you name it. She has an opinion about where I stand on all of it, but it most cases she is wrong.

She has never even asked me. I want her to stop guessing who I am and make a real attempt to find out from me. In line with this, she should also make an attempt to discover who her son is.

He is an adult now and not the same person she knew living in her home. She doesn't know him as well as she thinks she does as an adult, husband and father. I could go on and on!

She is the stereo-typical mother-in-law... offering advice on how to arrange your kitchen, how to cook, how to potty train your children, etc. , etc. , etc.But the three big ones are what I just outlined. Understand that your son is an adult now and makes his own decisions and that they may not be in line with your thinking. Understand that your daughter-in-law may do things differently than you, but that does not make them any less effective or right.

Make an attempt to know who I am instead of guessing and assuming you know me. And make an attempt to get to know this new adult man who is a husband and father, and not just your son anymore. I have to stop now, or I will start getting into very petty things!

I will be sure to watch the other question you posted asking mother-in-laws the opposite question.

I wish she would rejoice in this difference, instead of eying it with suspicion! (o: As much as I love my mother-in-law, we have one basic personality difference that makes understanding each other difficult. I think anyone who knows me would agree that I'm a very open, affectionate person; I love giving hugs and making people feel good.My MIL admits that she has a hard time expressing affection.

She is rather reserved and stern at times, but we all know that this is just the way she is and that she does love us. A few years ago, she observed me after worship services, embracing everyone and laughing with them. Afterwards, she confronted me with a question worded something like this: "Are you really being sincere when you are passing out your hugs and compliments?

" Her tone suggested that she truly doubted my sincerity. Startled at the question and the way she asked it, I nonetheless assured her with a smile that I was, very much so, and kind of let the matter drop. Now I wonder how much of that question was directed towards me personally, and how much was directed towards the woman who had the audacity to marry her son!

(o: My husband was the first of her children to get married, which made me (!) her first in-law. I did feel quite picked on (looking back, I can honestly say that I was criticized a lot, but I'll be the first to say that I wasn't perfect by a long shot!), and, as I had left my family 600 miles behind after we got married, I was without my mom and dad to help take the sting out. This was, in retrospect, good for me, because it taught me to rely more heavily on my husband and our bond.

When we were finally able to move away, the distance was a blessing...it gave my husband and I more room to grow without well-meant but un-asked-for interference. I've learned over the years that being a daughter-in-law requires a lot of humility and patience; the ability to listen to, if not agree with, your mom-in-law's observations and realize that, had it come from your own mom, it wouldn't bother you; and that you understand your husband chose you as his wife, and together, the two of you have begun a life of your own, a life that should not be defined by "in-law wars". Sources: 18 years of marriage .

That space is a good thing, as is privacy. Sigh. I just feel like our relationship wouldn't be so strained if my mother in law understood that everyone comes from a different background and therfore, does things differently.

How you raised your son is not necessarily how I want to raise my daughter. I am willing to adjust and cooperate but so should she. One person can only stretch themselves so far before they break.

=) Also, nagging doesn't work. Honesty is key. Communication is important (if you want to do it through your son, that's fine.

If you want to do it through my baby, that's despicable). Respect is crucial. Just because you are older does not mean you are the boss.

I know my husband is your son, and my child is your grandchild. You can spend as much time with them as you want. You can love them as much as you want.

When it comes to running my life as you'd like, that's where I draw the line. =) .

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.