Do you say hurtful things when you're angry?

I've always been very careful not to (or at least not to intentionally). I'm someone who won't "verbally hit below the belt" because I know words cannot be taken back.

The problem with that "philosophy", however, is that if I'm in a verbal "thing" with someone who DOES say hurtful things I come across as the one who can't keep up my end of the battle because I chose to remain silent or walk away (one or the other). So, I look like "the loser" to the other person; and I feel like "the loser" in the situation.

It's easy to become the "victim" of verbal bullying when you won't say something that's "good and hurtful". Inside, you know you're the better, more reasonable, and stronger person. Outward appearances, however, make you look like someone who can't win the argument, no matter how reasonable you remain.

After all, a lot of people don't argue in a civil, reasonable, reasoned, way.

On the whole, though, I don't believe being angry is ever an excuse to say hurtful things. Expressing anger, yelling, whatever - all part of being angry. Going for what we know will hurt someone (or hope will hurt someone) is another thing.

I have, yet I never used to. Someone used to have me blocked in the kitchen for hours at a time until I said the one thing I didn't want to.

I used to be very good at saying bless you and wishing you well. I hope Im getting back to that approach to others upsets again. I am also beginning to understand my emotional reactions when I feel pushed, cornered or that I have to say something.

Yet sometimes saying something is better than imploding.

No. When I'm good and mad, I lose all verbal capacity, so I just walk away and wail on a punching bag for a half hour. Gets the point across rather well when the impacts shudder the entire house.

There was a time I could spit out some pretty mean words. I wanted the person to hurt as badly as I was hurting. Now that I am much older and wiser, it does not happen.

That is a deliberate decision on my part. If I can not change the direction of the conversation or the intensity of the moment. I have to just wait and let the person have their say.

I will respond but not with a desire to hurt the person. I no longer feel a need to argue with a person or try to convenience them. I say my part and if they are in agreement, that is good.

If not. So be it.

LisaHW: I am the exact same way! I always have been. Although lately I've caught myself saying mean things in arguments and I'm really trying not to.

A lot of people say things that they don't mean out of anger but my motto is, "Say what you mean and mean what you say. " I'm the type who, especially in a relationship will take it to heart. If someone said to me, "I think we need some time apart" - I think they really want it.

But when they say, "Oh, I didn't mean it, I was just mad. " I don't know, people are different and I know its hard to control your words sometimes especially when someone is pushing your buttons.

Everyone Else: Thanks for all of your answers! Its nice to get different opinions about this. I know its hard to control your emotions/words especially when it comes to someone you care about or someone who is just pushing your buttons.

I took some time to think on this and read the other responses before I answered this.

I don't think i've ever said something with the intent of hurting my significant other,... some times my self controll fails,.. and I say the truth,... and it hurts,... i'm usualy very good at measuring my words for propper effect,... its when the fight is between me and someone I care about that my self controll can fail, and my measured response with it,..

On the other hand, if i'm in a verbal match with some A** that needs a intelectual smack down,... I will squish him/her like a small bug,... smile while doing it,... and never loose a wink of sleep. I don't like seeing the bad guy win.

Yes, one time my son and I got into a shouting match over something very major... using mom's credit card on the net. I will never forget that fight as I stood up against my then sixteen year old, six foot son who was close to three hundred pounds at the time. Not realizing how heated the argument had become, my asperger's syndrome child came downstairs and quietly stated... "Brother, when you scream like that no one can hear you.

I have always held that moment in my heart... forever. And truly try to keep the anger out of my discipline as much as I can.

I do say hurtful things soemtime in the heat of an argument. I wonder why people push other buttons in that moment? LisaHW said, "Words can not be taken back," I belive that is very true.

I have and do say hurtful things when I am angry. I can honestly tell you that in "the heat of passion" I have said vile and hurtful things to my wife. I pray to God I can take them back, as in most cases what I am saying is not always how I feel, but lashed out to defend myself or attack and break her down.

I do not think it is okay. I make no excuse for my actions. I am flawed.

No, I do not say hurtful things on purpose because it solves nothing and you can't ever take them back. It's not "fighting fair" which I very much believe in, and no, it's never ok. But I do say the truth.

If you lie to me, I will call you a liar, but I will not bring up every single time in the past that you may have lied and I avoid name calling and finger pointing. I have spent a lifetime learning how to control a bad temper and impulsive behaviors, so I really try to practice what I preach.

We're all tempted to say hurtful things. I recommend removing yourself from the situation before saying anything, then coming back when you are calmer.

Even though now I say that I really don't want to do that. The fact is that I have done this.!

No, I would never do that. I've had hurtful things said to me and it REALLY hurts so I make sure I NEVER make anyone else have to feel like that.

I don't see how personally insulting someone can possibly help or resolve a situation, all it will do is upset and inflame them.

We all do its part of our nature to hurt the ones we love the most out of anger.

I say it. I know it is not good. But I do it.It is very difficult to control my anger.

I say hurtful things if they have hurt me purposefully. I can't tolerate lies.

I really don't think about it at the time, because my significant other might say something that triggers the anger. My feelings may have gotten hurt, at the time, and that can or will cause the hurtful emotions to ascend. But no I don't think it is right, to say hurtful things purposely.

No its not good to hurt others just because of our anger. I think we have no right to verbally abused other.

Many time I got anger but not always like to say hurtful thing to other as due to this only I have faced bad incidence in my life. So I have learnt to keep my mind cool.

If I don't realy like the person I would but there isnt that many people that I hate so I wouldint realy. I do try to keep it in and if it was with someone I was with I do try and keep it in and try and act that im not that angry because you may regret saying something later when you relise you made a mistake and it is vdry diffcult to recover from it.. And I don't think it is okay to say hurt full things because if your with the person you are ment to like/love them so it is nearly as bad for a guy to say hurtful things purposly then it is to hit a girl.. Well that is just my say..

Sometimes I do. But knowing fully well that words are like eggs,when broken, it cannot be gather together again then I speak with caution and with the help of GOD.

I have always been known to hold it all in until I explode. That side of me was inherited by my mother, but I have to say that I am working really hard, lately, to talk things out instead of holding it all in.

Yes, I often say things I do not mean when I get infuriated. I am usually a very nice and relaxed person, but when I get angry I have the tenancy to say hurtful things I really don't mean.

I always feel bad afterwards and apologize to the person I was fighting with.

I believe that this is a way of venting, although it may not be the best way, we all know that it happens. All you can hope is that the person does not take it to heart and that they will accept your apology.

Some people are prone to hold judges against you for saying hurtful things to them, but I believe that we should forgive and forget. Move on and stop dwelling in the past.

Do not beat yourself up over this! I cannot stress this enough, because you cannot change the past, all you can do is learn from an experience and improve yourself in the future. Thinking about the past will only put you in a bad place.

I have been there myself and I'd prefer to move onto bigger and better things.

I must admit, I have said some very mean things. I was very upset. That dosn't make it okay!

Of cores I think it is natural thing that we do hurt when we are angry, me also do hurt other when I am angry I know it's bad habit, and I am try to control on it ......... :(.

If you are angry enough, I think your brain is focused on that anger instead of the words coming out of your mouth. I have certainly gotten that way with my family before, but never a significant other. The guilt and shame of hurting them purposefully would be too much to bear, and I know many people who feel that regret.

I do not think it is okay, I think it builds onto whatever problem cause the anger in the first place.

Usually I try not to, but sometimes I can't help my self. In general, I try to talk nice.

It is not ok to say hurtful things purposely....In my oppinion those thing should never be said. Although there are situation when those things have constructive effect.

I do say hurtful things soemtime in the heat of an argument.

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.