How can I get my wife to clean up after herself and live a neater lifestyle without her getting defensive and upset?

I like to clean up after myself and maintain a tidy house. But my wife doesn't seem to have the same habits. When she gets home, the first thing she does is throw her purse and a book bag on the kitchen table.

It sits there all night until she takes it to work the next day and does it all over again. She leaves a mess in the kitchen after breakfast every morning which I end up cleaning up. Dishes and cups are left out all over and never put straight into the dishwasher.

The sink ends up piling up and when she cooks, she leaves a mess. It seems like every room in the house shows her remnants. I'm not claiming to be perfect myself, but I try to kindly express to her how I feel and ask her if she could try to be better at these things, but she immediately gets defensive and tries to point the finger at me and find my faults.

She won't accept that this is a problem and I feel like I can't even ask her these things because of how she responds. (See discussion!)What should I do? Asked by Anonymous 47 months ago Similar questions: wife clean live neater lifestyle defensive upset Food & Drink > Restaurants.

Similar questions: wife clean live neater lifestyle defensive upset.

Stop enabling her This is just my own personal plan, and it may not work for you. Your wife is my husband. I finally came up with a plan that has been working, but it is VERY hard for me to follow through with.

I did it, but ouch. I started washing, drying, and putting away only the dishes that I had used. After a week of this, the kitchen was a mess, we were out of spoons, and the dishwasher had not been run.

There were dirty pans on the cooktop and food caked onto it as well. One night he said "The kitchen is a mess, when are you going to clean it? " I kindly said "I don't know what you are talking about.

I have been doing all of my own dishes and cleaning up after myself for the last week. I have been washing the counters and the floor after myself and I believe that you may have missed a few things in there. " Wink, wink You can’t say it nice enough since now you have proof.

I had to let him pout for a few days. I have been doing this for over a month now and he is much better! I started cleaning up his messes when he got pneumonia and when he got better, it was right back to old habits.

After all, I taught him to be this way for the last 10 years, so I can’t expect perfection overnight. Cutnhair's Recommendations When You Live with a Messie Amazon List Price: $6.99 Used from: $3.48 Average Customer Rating: 3.5 out of 5 (based on 3 reviews) There are a lot of books about it, and even Messies Anonymous! .

YOU summarizes ME, and your wife, MY S.O.... At this point, in my opinion, there is NOTHING you can do. Unless the 2 of you are teenagers or very young, these habits are INGRAINED in her. I've gone through the same thing with my "boyfriend".

We've sat down and I've diplomatically tried to impress the importance of Housekeeping 101 to ME, AND what I personally consider "standards. " It has helped, some, but mostly not. I've learned to "let it go".

Provided there are no public health implications to his being a slob, I don't worry about it. Now and again, I get bent out of shape over things like warming up a gallon of chili in the microwave WITHOUT covering it and MY spending the next 2 hours picking chili out of all the nooks and crannies with a toothbrush. But, it hasn't wrecked the relationship.

I do things that annoy the hell out of him, too, so we compromise. You need to figure out if her slovenliness is REALLY important. Is it something you just absolutely can not tolerate in your life, or is it just a mild annoyance?

Do you see it as a personal attack on YOU,,,her thumbing her nose, so to speak, at YOU? Or do you see her as a lazy, slob, that you abhor? Is the relationship deteriorating because of your opinion of her as a person?

If you can't get past it, then maybe it's time for counseling or a reevaluation of the partnership. Best wishes. Sources: IMHO ~wb's Recommendations Love Smart: Find the One You Want--Fix the One You Got Amazon List Price: $15.00 Used from: $0.87 Average Customer Rating: 3.5 out of 5 (based on 100 reviews) Don't Sweat the Small Stuff--and it's all small stuff (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff Series) Amazon List Price: $12.95 Used from: $0.01 Average Customer Rating: 4.5 out of 5 (based on 243 reviews) .

Just my thoughts... How meat or messy we are is usually a result of how we were raised. While that's not always the case, it may help to start by asking what her house was like when she was growing up. How is her mother's house now?

Is it/was it always very neat and tidy, or messy? How did she feel about that? Some people have parents who were always very neat and they never liked that, so when they are left to their own devices they rebel against that.

Or maybe she just never had to pick up after herself, because somebody always cleaned up for her and she never learned. I think an understanding of this background will really help in developing your "attack plan. " Next, you should just sit down and talk for a while.

Keep in mind that she may be defensive because of how you are approaching her. Most people don't respond well to complaints or "attacks. " Tell her that the situation is not working for you, and be specific about what is important to you, what you need, and why.Be sure to ask her about what is important to her, too.

Try to make some concessions here. Maybe she is feeling overwhelmed and you need to respect that even if you don't understand it. Try to come up with a solution that meets both of your needs.

You might try making a list of chores that need to be completed each day and each week, etc. That is what works best in my house. Or maybe you can do chores together if that works "She leaves a mess in the kitchen after breakfast every morning which I end up cleaning up. Dishes and cups are left out all over and never put straight into the dishwasher.

The sink ends up piling up and when she cooks, she leaves a mess. " At my house (and many others I know of), if 1 person cooks, the other takes care of the clean-up. Maybe she resents your expectation that she cook for both of you and clean up the mess all the time.

That may not be the case. It's just a thought. If all else fails, you need to ask yourself if this a big enough issue that you would risk your relationship over URL2 may be for you.

Only you can answer that one. If it's something you can't stand and you can't be happy unless it changes, then she needs to know that it is that important to you. Kshannon's Recommendations The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate Amazon List Price: $14.99 Used from: $4.21 Average Customer Rating: 4.5 out of 5 (based on 525 reviews) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert Amazon List Price: $14.95 Used from: $2 may3 Average Customer Rating: 5.0 out of 5 (based on 119 reviews) Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships Amazon List Price: $14.00 Used from: $2 may3 Average Customer Rating: 4.0 out of 5 (based on 70 reviews) For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women Amazon List Price: $14.99 Used from: $2 may3 Average Customer Rating: 5.0 out of 5 (based on 77 reviews) Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex Amazon List Price: $12 may7 Used from: $2 may7 Average Customer Rating: 3.5 out of 5 (based on 380 reviews) The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage Amazon List Price: $22 may7 Used from: $2 may7 Average Customer Rating: 4.0 out of 5 (based on 70 reviews) The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships Amazon List Price: $14.95 Used from: $8.41 Average Customer Rating: 5.0 out of 5 (based on 9 reviews) Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress Amazon List Price: $24.95 Average Customer Rating: 5.0 out of 5 (based on 1 reviews) .

I too am having the same problems. I will say this is not healthy for any marriage. If this type of behavior goes on, then you can start counting the days to your marriage being over.

For your wife to behave like this shows total and complete disrespect, lack of trust, irresponsibility, and her not willing to create a friendly, positive environment for the home, the marriage, and the children. My wife would do her basic bare minimum requirements of her responsibilities of a wife and mother to just make it by each month. She made sure she had food to eat, and she took kids to school, but late all the time.

That is really the only 2 things she did consistently, but she was not even doing a good job at that.1. Hardly ever have the house clean, maybe 1 day out of a 7 day week.2. Not take care of the children properly, not make sure they properly brush their teeth, not cook them healthy meals3.

Would never cook meals for me consistently4. When she did clean up, she would just throw all the clothes, trash, and kids toys in the garage stacked 2-3 feet high. I would have to spend 4-5 hours cleaning the mess up5.

When she would cook, she would leave trash everywhere, and would not was dishes. The trash and dishes would sit there for 2-5 days. Yes up to 5 days.6.In our current house, she has cleaned the bathrooms like maybe 4-5 times in the 19 months we have been here.

Bathrooms should be cleaned 1 time per week. She cleans once every 2-3 months.7. She would leave the front and back yard full of trash and debris, even our front porch.

She would walk past trash like it is not even there. My landlord called me and threatened to evict me and I had to leave work at 2pm and spend 5 hours cleaning up.8. I spent $500 in plants and flowers for the front porch of our house to make it look good, and all the plants and flowers died in 4 weeks because my wife never watered them not even 1 time.9.

She was supposed to be taking care of my son and his schoolwork and make sure he did his schoolwork and help him on a daily basis. She was not. She was not consistent, not making sure he did his homework each day through middle school.

When he got in trouble at school or was failing all classes, my wife was hiding this from me. When he got in trouble, my wife would tell him not to tell me. One day I got a phone call from a teacher telling me he was failing everything, and I said “WHAT?

” I was totally shocked because my wife not working a job at all staying at home, that was one of her responsibilities to help my son do his homework each day. She had a 96% grade point average in high school, so she was smart and capable of doing this. What wife would keep this from her husband?10.

When a friend asks her to watch their dog or do something for them, she jumps right on it like her life depended on it, or like it was a do or die situation. I once told her not to watch her fiends dog and cat each day while they were on vacation, because she cannot even clean the house and do her job at home anyways. She did it anyways.

With the time she spent doing this, the kitchen could have been cleaned. I have been smelling trash and food in sink for 10 days now in kitchen.As of today and the past few months, I do not clean up or cook for the family anymore, it is not my job any longer. As a matter of fact, I leave dirty dishes everywhere and throw trash all over the place so she can see what it is like.

When the kids graduate, I have told my wife that I will leave her when the kids graduate. I will not spend my life with someone who disrespects me so badly and still refuses to clean up after herself. I will probably not even be around here for much longer, may be a few more months, but our marriage is over.

The first thing you have to realize. First, you can't change your wife or get her to do anything. She is a grown woman with her own mind and she's already made it perfectly clear that your attempts to change her aren't welcome.

Second, how bad is it really? A purse and book bag on a table? Get over it.

She leaves the dishes overnight? Get over it! Are there rotting diapers, piles of rotting trash, dog/cat waste rotting corners?

That's a problem and an indication that someone has a mental illness and needs help. The other stuff? You need to change how you react, because you can't ever change her and if you think you can you're in for a very painful and frustrating lesson.

The only person we ever have control over is ourselves. Control your reaction to her because you can't control her. Re a housekeeper if it's that big a deal to you, but don't expect your wife to change.

You picked her and liked her enough to marry her just the way she was, what's changed? .

I have a wife who is like this. Not much has helped. She doesn't get it that part of living in a home is to work together to keep it clean.So, efforts center on preserving your own peace -- in my case, so I can stay married.

A) When it gets WAY out of hand, pay someone to get it normal again for your inner peace. B) Pay someone your wife knows to come over and clean. This strikes the fear of G*D in my wife.

I hate to rely on this, but when I did it it, it worked. But it's only one episodic thing -- you will have to try other means. C) bite the bullet and train any kids in the family so at least when they get older they can help.

D) focus on other aspects of your marriage that are working. E) When she wants something from you, agree to it provided a cleaning job of some kind is done first. Say you will not do whatever she wants unless that job is completed.

F) Get her agreement to invite someone over for dinner. My wife will clean if someone is coming over. Bascially, I sympathize with you.

It's a very hard thing to have a lazy wife when it comes to housekeeping, who doesn't seem to get that it saps the love in the family when she is so selfish that she doesnt' care about helping her husband with the home. Shame on them.

I am coming from the opposing side. My fiancé is you and I am your wife. I am not the neatest person by far.

I leave my shoes out, lights on, and my hamper fills up fast. My fiancé is the opposite. S clothes are lined up and colored coded.

He comes from OCD parents, I come from a messy dad and a mom who cleaned up after me 24/7. To add to this I have a baby from a previous relationship....and I work part time. It's so hard taking care of a baby, working and trying to live up to my fiancée's expectations.It's hard because he doesn't help all that with the baby now that the baby is very mobile.

(the baby knows him as dad). He doesn't get that I am working my butt off and trying to somehow go against my habits as a child.It's hard and frustrating for me and him. I wouldn't come at her in an attack... It only hurts and is embarrassing.

I appreciate it most when my fiancé wants to clean with me and we do it together. I don't know how to clean like he does...but I do watch and I am learning. I don't do it on purpose... Like I am sure yo .

You need to help her and praise her or she will do the opposite. No one likes to be controlled.

Wow, that sounds like my husband describing me. Exactly same complains, except for him being tidy, and cleaning after himself. The first thing that I discover when get home, are his pants in the kitchen, then the shoes, finally the socks in the living room, he spends 15 minutes cleaning up the dishes, then the rest of the evening on the couch in front of the tv or on computer.

Then of course he starts complaining that i'm not spending my evening with a broom and a brush. Oh, and of course the trail of food that he takes out of the fridge. Did I mention we have two kids?

Getting help with them is a challenge, regardless, if it has to do with dinner, cleaning the room, or homework. So, lets see, i'm getting the kids ready in the morning, including taking making the breakfast and packing lunch, I drive them to school, most of the days, I pick them up, then there is dinner, homework, getting them to do their chores, and bed. I do clean up after myself and I trying to teach the kids to do the same, sometimes in the morning we do run out of time and I leave the dishes in the sink, soaking, as for cooking, since I cook at least 3 times a week, and did I mention shopping, and bringing groceries from the car, I expect to get some help from my husband on cleaning up, but apparently that's too much.

Beside of having full time job, being a mom, I should also be a maid.

I cant really gove you an answer,but what I can give you is a way to a solution, that is you have to find the anglde that you relate to or peaks your interest. A good paper is one that people get drawn into because it reaches them ln some way.As for me WW11 to me, I think of the holocaust and the effect it had on the survivors, their families and those who stood by and did nothing until it was too late.