How does an adult child of an alcoholic deal with feelings of guilt like 'if only I had tried harder maybe I could have helped ' and move on?

Br />It is not possible to help an alcoholic who does not want to be helped. We are conditioned to believe that other people are our responsibility, and that if things don't go well for others, it is our fault. That is not true, except in the case of small children.

Once people are past puberty it is nearly impossible to create change. Adults have to change themselves. Alcoholics must reach a point that causes them to reach out on their own and ask for help.

Until that point is reached, they will promise, use and abuse you, and do whatever they can to protect their best friend -- the bottle. What family and friends need to do is learn to take care of themselves, in order to be able to weather the storms that being associated with a drunk will inevitably involve. To thine own self be true.

You can't help, but you can keep yourself healthy and sane so that you will be there after they reach their bottom and get some help. You cannot sober up anyone, and you must be prepared for the very real possibility that the drinking will kill them. If it does, that is none of your doing either.

Note: this does not preclude the possibility of an intervention, which must be carried out by a mental health professional. Contact your local Mental Health Society or a treatment facility. You can seek counseling, and there are self help groups JUST for adult children of alcoholics, such as ACOA and Alateen.

Alanon, for loved ones of alcoholics, is another option, and your loved one does NOT have to be in AA for you to go. Al-anon is free and private, and you should be able to find a group in your area just by looking in the phone book. If you can't find an al-anon group specifically, look up the nearest AA chapter in your area, and ask them, they will know where you can find help.

The most important thing to remember is this: You did not cause their problem, and you cannot change their behavior. You can only change the way you react to them and their behavior. Good luck to you, and God bless.

Please feel free to email me if I can help you. You just do. You cannot blame yourself in anyway-either your parent sees the light and makes changes, or they don't.

I had to move out of my fathers house at 16 to get away from it, to understand why it was happening. I also then drew ground rules with him (i.e. -no drinking at my place) and I was VERY clear on how his drinking made me feel.

It took awhile, but it helped. I offered my support, but refused to co-op his addiction. It takes time, but eventually, it will happen.

After flogging yourself for twenty or thirty years for being unable to do what medical science and psychiatry have been unable to do, come to the realization that you do not have the power to create or cure alcoholism. Absorb the fact that you are not responsible for the outcomes of another persons decision to be a drunk. And then, after you've suffered enough, let it go, and get on with your life.

You deserve it, you know.

It is not possible to help an alcoholic who does not want to be helped. We are conditioned to believe that other people are our responsibility, and that if things don't go well for others, it is our fault. That is not true, except in the case of small children.